Valley Virtues

Last week my husband and I celebrated our three year anniversary. Woo Hoo! Doing life with another person, day in and day out for 3 years isn’t an easy feat. It most definitely has its ups and downs. The beautiful thing about marriage and this walk with God though, is that you’re able to experience and grow in God just as much in the valleys as you are in the hills.

There was one time in particular, a valley moment, where I was pretty furious with my husband. I left the house and went to Walmart, because Target was too far away. While I was at Walmart I called one of my friends. My friend has been married for over 10 years and is a believer. Thank God for community, but that’s a totally different blog post in and of itself.

When she answered the phone, I told her how I just wanted to be petty. How I was going to go back home and just be super petty and mean. She said “be petty with me, but don’t be petty with him.” Inwardly, that comment made me slightly more hostile because I felt he deserved it. He hurt my feelings, so I get to hurt his. I told her, “I’m just going to be petty”. And she responded “Well, how is God glorified in that?”

When I tell y’all, I stopped walking. I stopped dead in my tracks. It was a simple rhetorical question, but it legitimately shook me. For a second, for a season, as a believer, I had completely forgotten that marriage was about God.  I had forgotten that marriage wasn’t about me and the promise of perpetual happiness. I had forgotten that our marriage and how I live my life as a wife is supposed to glorify God. It’s so easy to get caught up in culture’s definition of love and marriage. That marriage is about two people being in love and making each other happy until they die. That in marriage if they don’t make you happy you can leave. In marriage, it’s okay to be the stereotypical petty or nagging wife as long as your husband did something wrong.  The reality however, is that marriage isn’t about making us happy; it’s about making us holy.

We talked for a little while longer and then I got off the phone.  I bought some cool stuff for us to have a date night at home and left my petty attitude at Walmart. Her question still stuck with me though, “How is God glorified in that?”

It made me think of a couple verses.

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”- Matthew 5: 46-48 NIV

“And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.

– James 1:4 AMP

 

The word perfect in both these verses is the greek word, téleios. Téleios is defined as the “consummate of human integrity and virtue” It speaks of being spiritually mature. Spiritual maturity calls for forgiveness. It’s a call to grace – and mercy. I am to be spiritually mature, as my heavenly father is spiritually mature. I will be “be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into [my] daily life, as [my] heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48 AMP

Realizing that marriage isn’t about my perpetual happiness, allows me to understand that I am not justified in exacting punishment and judgment when I am unhappy or wronged. It’s about being in a relationship that molds me into the mirror image of my father. I know that question my friend asked me, will always stick with me in the good and the bad times. It will most definitely be my go-to when I want to be really petty.

Roots and Fruits

Ever since I was a child, I always wanted a garden. There’s something special about being able to go in your own backyard and pick your own food. Not to mention A.J. Johnson and John Singleton made it look pretty dope in the movie Baby Boy. In the past couple years though, I wanted to get into gardening a lot more because of all the biblical references.

One day I decided to watch some YouTube videos about gardening, and came across a how-to video on growing apple trees. In the video, the gardener talked about how he doesn’t allow his apple trees to grow apples the first year. It totally threw me off guard. This gardener talked about how he physically stops them from bearing fruit.  I think to myself “Oh my gosh, he waits an entire year, an entire year, for these apples to grow and when they finally bloom, he cuts them off”. My heart died a little bit.

These were his words

“With our apple trees I will actually stop them from flowering the first year because the fruit is so large and it takes so much energy away. And like I said the root development is so slow on apples that I don’t want to sacrifice that by saying ‘Hey, let’s get 5-10 apples on this tree’ at the expense of losing it. So what I’ll do is… when I see the flowers I’ll pick them off and I won’t allow the tree to flower the first year. “

      –MIgardener

 

This immediately reminded me of our relationship and spiritual growth in Christ. Two statements were underlined in that quote. The statement about root development, and the statement about not losing the entire tree for 5-10 apples. Right now, I want to talk about the first one – root development.

In his video, MIgardener explains that apple trees take a long time to grow roots, slower than most other fruit trees. He says “The thing that kills them off the most, is inadequate root growth”. Jesus makes an identical statement about Christ followers in Matthew 13.

 

“Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died.”

“The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God’s word.”

 

I believe that as Christ followers, we often overestimate how deep our roots are. Just because we are rooted in Jesus, doesn’t mean we are deeply rooted in Jesus.  I believe we have a tendency to think we are more spiritually mature than we really are. After multiple years of following Christ, do we still have shallow roots? Do we have adequate root growth?

 

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. “For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit”

 –Jeremiah 17:7-8

 

The other underlined statement dealt with bearing much fruit. MIgardener talked about how he wasn’t willing to allow the tree to grow 5-10 apples, at the expense of losing it. This is true when it comes to us accomplishing goals and defeating strongholds for the kingdom and advancement of the Gospel.

God has given us great gifts, skills, and relationships that he wants to grow, build, and develop into ministries, but we have to be strong enough, spiritually, to bear those fruit. Our character and spiritual maturity have to be able to withstand the weighty fruit that God that intends to gift us with.

In the video MIgardener discusses how he prunes and trains the branches, to prevent them from snapping whenever the tree begins to bear fruit. He then explains how he cuts off the flowers when they begin to bloom the first year. God does the same thing with us.

“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.”

John 15:1

 “When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.”

John 15:8

          The definition of pruning is “to cut off or cut back parts of for better shape or more fruitful growth”. God’s desire isn’t just for us to bear fruit. It’s for us to bear much fruit. You may be in a season where you’ve started to spend quiet time with the Lord daily. You may have gone through counseling and feel a lot healthier. You may have been hearing God’s voice more clearly, or you’ve grown exponentially in your skill. That doesn’t mean that you’re ready to pastor a flock. It doesn’t mean that you’re ready for that promotion, or to be in a relationship. Yes, you have started to bloom, but it doesn’t mean you’re ready to step into the full manifestation of where God is calling you. More than likely it means it’s time to be pruned. It means It’s time for God to groom you to produce much fruit.

The gardener explains that if he allows the tree to bloom it’s first year, he risks losing it. It is the same with us. If we lack the spiritual maturity and character that is supposed to accompany the fruit and opportunities he’s giving us, it will damage us. That weighty calling, fruit, or opportunity will hinder us and possibly break us.

I absolutely love how God compares us to trees. It’s such an accurate and beautiful depiction of what our walk with him is supposed to look like. I’m looking forward to growing deeper roots in the Lord, and experiencing him in some amazing ways. I hope this encourages you to do the same.

Guard Your Goods

When I was younger I used to love basketball. I loved it so much I wanted to be a basketball player, just like Lisa Leslie. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. However, I still enjoy playing it from time to time. I remember playing it every weekend with my dad and my brother. We loved it so much, they eventually had to invest and buy us a goal. When we were out on the court I could understand and execute just about every concept. I could dribble, I could shoot, and I could pass. However, the one thing that was always difficult for me was guarding. It was hard for two reasons. The first reason being that everyone was bigger than me. I always played with all boys. I constantly complained about the seemingly unfair advantage they had. I felt that they could push past me, or keep driving forward even if I was guarding them. The second reason is because to be honest, guarding someone in and of itself is just hard. Your goal is to prevent someone from accomplishing their goal (no pun intended), and that’s difficult.

This past week during my quiet time I read 1 Timothy 6. The whole chapter was really good. Paul told Timothy of the things he should preach to the people. He warned him about false teachings, troublesome people, and how to hold fast to the truth about the Gospel. He then gives Timothy a final list of instructions, and in the end he says “Timothy, guard what God has entrusted to you.” (1 Timothy 6:20 NLT) That verse resonated with me so much. His word choice – guard. To guard something is in no way passive. I remembered how much effort it took to guard someone. This was the same way that God wanted us to guard the things He’s given us.

I feel as believers we sometimes see ‘guard’ and think ‘cherish’.  We think ‘enjoy, cherish, or hold dear’ all that God has entrusted to you. When in actuality it means ‘prevent bad things from happening and the enemy gaining control of what God has entrusted to you’. Guarding produces results. “Under my watch I guarded this, and nothing was stolen.”

The Greek word used for guard in this passage is phylassō. It means

1. To guard a person (or thing) that he remain safe;
2. To keep from being snatched away, preserve safe and unimpaired;
3. To guard from being lost or perishing.
4. To guard one’s self from a thing

By these definitions we can see that guard in this context doesn’t just mean keep, or hide. It’s implying that whatever we’re guarding needs protection because something or someone is pursuing it. Our charge is to protect what God has entrusted to us. Phylassō is also used in John 17:12 when Jesus prays.

Jesus is praying as the time is nearing for him to be crucified. He prays to God for his disciples saying “During my time here, I protected them by the power of the name you gave me. I guarded them so that not one was lost, except the one headed for destruction, as the Scriptures foretold.” The NASB version states “and I guarded them and not one of them perished”

To guard something means that you have a plan of action. “I am doing this, so that this won’t happen.” This is how God wants us to guard the things he has entrusted to us. Like Jesus he wants us to guard these things so that none of them perishes. How are you guarding the truth of the Gospel that God deposited in your heart like Timothy? How are you guarding your kids? Your marriage? Your time? Your gifts?  How are you submitting those things to Christ, and simultaneously guarding them from the enemy?

 

Battling Barrenness

I think we’ve all had seasons or been in jobs where we look around and say ‘What am I doing here?”   My season was post graduation. After I graduated I looked for a job, but I didn’t get one interview in 6 months. I spent that 6 months angry, distant, and disillusioned. Although God had provided for me in every way via freelancing, and was trying to grow my skills, the only thing I could focus on was my dream deferred.

After that I moved back home and stayed with my mom. I applied to more jobs than I can count, but ended up working minimum wage. I’d spent 4 years in college, came out with two degrees, and here I was working at Little Caesars. The same place I’d worked before I graduated college.

After working there for about a month, I got a job working in retail at Kmart. However, this time before I started the job I asked God to help me see the good in this season.  I asked him to help me learn as much as I can from this job. I asked him to give me lessons at this job that I could use in other areas of my life. In my last season I was so blinded by what I wanted, what I thought I deserved, and my expectations, that I missed out on a lot of opportunities for growth God desired for me. So I was determined I wasn’t going to make that same mistake again.

Every morning that I got up to go to work, I prayed that God would move through me at this job. I prayed that people would come to know him, and that I would learn something new that day. I did my best to work as if I were working for God himself. (Colossians 3:23)  Now, I’d be lying to you if I told you that I was able to see the good in that season every day. Or, that I took home a golden nugget of wisdom everyday, but a lot of days I did. It wasn’t until I transitioned into another season, that I was able to truly see how much I’d learned, grown, and impacted others.

In retail, you don’t always have an opportunity for long or deep conversations. You’re either at the register dealing with lots of customers, or on the floor putting back 20 items the customer decided at the last minute they didn’t want. Of course you guys aren’t like that, right? Needless to say, there weren’t a lot of opportunities for me to verbally share the Gospel.

However, one day while I was working, a co-worker came up to me and said “You’re happy all the time, like you’re always smiling. I need whatever it is that you have.” It was in that moment that I realized I was learning how to share the Gospel without saying a word. My manager and coworkers told me that I interacted with customers politely and patiently. Some stated they didn’t have that type of patience. I was actively displaying the fruits of the spirit: joy, patience, gentleness, and kindness. I was able to put God’s very nature on display. People would trust me and tell me their problems, and I was able to offer Godly advice. I learned how to share the gospel without even mentioning God’s name.

Something God placed on my heart very early in life is a love for giving. I love finding new creative ways to give and love on people. If giving was a job, I MIGHT consider quitting filmmaking. While I worked at Kmart I became a better consumer. I learned how to get more out of my money. I learned how to coupon, how to catch sales, how to get things for free. I learned what the production costs of products were, and how much I should be paying for them. I learned a lot. It was in this job that God taught me how to be able to give a lot with the little that I have.  Recently my husband and I were able to give lots of brand new clothes to a children’s home because I got 90% of the clothes for $1. We were able to do a College survival kit for a friend for around $80 (and he’s getting a lot).  We were able to give our mail lady Gatorade and water every day during the summertime, along with other random acts of kindness. God was able to teach me these things, because I had a willingness to learn. He grew me in ways that I didn’t anticipate, but He did. So I could glorify Him and become more like Him.

The first time I was in a place where I didn’t want to be, I moped. This time, I actively sought God. One of my favorite quotes is from Christine Caine. She says “This isn’t a dress rehearsal for the real thing. This is it.” She’s talking about those seasons where we feel like we’re waiting to walk in God’s purpose. God’s purpose for your life is always present. Every season we actively seek God, we bear fruit. This season isn’t a dress rehearsal, this is the real thing. When you start treating the season that you’re in like a classroom, instead of a waiting room – you’ll be able to witness God’s Glory.

Agony and Apathy

I usually don’t write race pieces. It’s not because they’re unimportant, it’s because it feels unfair to choose just one. To publicize one over another seems hurtful. It feels unfair to the ones that’ll never be hashtags, or national stories; the ones who weren’t videotaped or publicized. One of my favorite rappers Gemstones once said “They pick and choose and half the deaths will never make the news.” That more so sums it up. However, the grief hit me differently this time. It hit me like a bag of bricks that left me crying on my bed with my husband consoling me.

This past July 4th I drove to Walmart because we forgot hamburger buns – and they’re the cheapest. On my way home I heard the infamous “WOOP WOOP” sound and saw the flashing blue lights. I was in total shock, because I hadn’t done anything wrong. I got in the left turning lane and headed towards a gas station about 500 ft away. The car in front of me pulled over in the grass, but my parents always taught me to go to a well lit area with lots of witnesses. I was terrified. I thought “I hope he’s not mad that I didn’t pull over immediately.” I pulled into the gas station and parked my car. I was still terrified. I thought “Don’t move until he gets here. Keep your hands on the steering wheel.” The officer asked if I knew why he stopped me. In complete honesty I answered “I have no idea.” He said that I had an expired tag and asked me for my license and registration. At that moment I was greeted with a new fear – reaching for my license and registration. My license was in my wallet in the passenger seat and my registration in the glove compartment. My immediate thought is “Oh God.” I look at him then grab my wallet and give him my license. He asks again for my registration and I tell him it’s in the glove compartment. He tells me to get it. I grab it and hand it to him. The officer tells me it’s not up to date then asks if I have any weapons, drugs, large sums of money, or contraband. I politely say no. He takes my license then returns to his police car. Even while he’s away I’m thinking “Don’t move too much” “Don’t even look like you’re reaching for anything.” He comes back, gives me the  ticket, and I’m on my way.

I mention this situation to help you understand the fear that’s instilled in us in the presence of cops. Police are not a group of people we are supposed to fear, yet we do. I fear for my life in routine traffic stops. That’s a feeling that the privileged do not understand. In no way am I saying that all officers are bad but you have to understand that the fear and anger is rational. My husband explains it in a way that’s perfect. He said “I understand that not all cops are bad. It’s statistically impossible. But imagine trying to convince a deer that every human isn’t out to get him.” It’s the same way.  

Imagine something even scarier, not only are you afraid of the police, but the police are afraid of you. We’ve seen it in all the monster movies. The monster may be loving and sweet, but to everyone else he simply looks like a monster. They act in reaction to an underlying fear of us that they don’t even understand. I’ve been followed in stores. I’ve seen ladies clutch their purse in the presence of black men. I’ve had parents tell me I couldn’t play with their daughters. Imagine that you’re being seen a totally different way than you are. Imagine that people are afraid of you and reacting in fear towards you, but in a way that only serves to protect themselves. Imagine that your son, your father, your husband looks like a monster to the world. His physical features, his stature, and people’s racial profiling makes him a walking target, even when he’s doing nothing wrong.

In an earlier post I mentioned that my husband is in the Navy.  Which is part of the reason I forgot to renew my tag and registration. I was getting everything ready for his homecoming and completely forgot. Anyway, my husband, like any other member of the Armed Forces or traditional southerner, likes weapons. He has a Rifle Pellet Gun that he uses in the woods close to our house. He goes out there with targets and practices his aim. It terrifies me. I’m always afraid that one day, they’ll mistake the tin can sounds for real gunshots. I’m afraid some frantic and disillusioned person will say they saw an armed black man. Two days after the fourth of July, yesterday, he decided to take his little brother to do some target practice. 45 min to an hour later, they came home and said they had a run in with the cops. My jaw dropped. Why did my jaw drop? Because I was surprised my husband was still alive. I was surprised he was standing in front of me. So was he. I asked him what happened. Apparently someone had been breaking into houses in the nearby neighborhood and the noise triggered a response. My husband told me when the cop was pulling up he told his 15 year old brother, “Put the gun down. Don’t move. Don’t make any sudden movements. Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.” He told me that the officer had his hand on his weapon the whole time, ready to draw it. My husband said he thought they were going to die right there. That they would end up just like the stories he and myself were just talking about earlier. He just knew they were going to die, even though they did nothing wrong. After the officer found out my husband was in the Navy he calmed down and took his hand off his weapon.

I want you to look at our responses. He told his brother “Don’t move. Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.” When I was pulled over I thought “Don’t move. Don’t reach too quickly. Don’t pull the registration from the glove compartment too quickly.” These are thoughts and actions people do and take in hostile environments. Interacting with the police as a black person shouldn’t be inherently hostile. Yet, these are warnings black fathers and black mothers give their children. Why is a routine traffic stop a hostile environment? Why was a man who had a gun permit and no criminal record shot to death in front of his girlfriend and daughter? Why is it socially acceptable for us to fear the police instead of respect them?

I think the first step is recognizing that apathy toward racial reconciliation and injustice is a problem – spiritually. God is just. It’s not a character trait, it’s who he is. He’s 100% just. In that justness, he delights in justice. How do we as brothers and sisters in Christ not want to cry out to God and our community? How do our souls not yearn to cry out in our circles of influence for the glory of God?

In James 2 NLT it says

“What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.” – James 2:14-17

This scripture can be applied to racial reconciliation and injustice as well. It is not enough as our counterparts to not be racist. It is not enough to simply feel sorry about it. Police officers take an oath to protect and serve. “A man who makes a vow to the Lord or makes a pledge under oath must never break it. He must do exactly what he said he would do.” Numbers 30:1 NLT. We have to understand that they are not being held accountable for breaking the very laws they’ve sworn to protect.

We have to approach it spiritually and practically. We have to have God’s heart for these situations. If we don’t, we must pray that He gives us his heart for these situations. We have to fight in prayer, but also in our small groups, in our homes, in our positions of power, in whatever way the Lord leads us to shed light on this brokenness.

I’ll be honest, I never quite know what to do in these situations. I don’t know if I’m supposed to protest, donate to the family’s GoFundMe, do a prayer walk, etc. Being completely honest I still don’t know. But I know the first step is no longer being silent.

 

There’s Growth in Groups

I’m finally out of Deuteronomy and have been breezing through Joshua. The book of Joshua begins with the death of Moses. God then calls Joshua to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. After God promises to be with Joshua as He was with Moses, Joshua sends out spies to check out the land around the Jordan River – specifically Jericho. The book of Joshua then continues with the Israelites crossing the Jordan and battling their enemies.

In Chapter 22, where I currently am, Israel has conquered their enemies and God gives them rest from war. Joshua then allows the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh to return home to the land that was given to them on the east side of the Jordan River (Nu. 32: 1- 22). Before they reached home, they stopped at a place named Geliloth near the Jordan River and built a large altar. When the rest of Israel heard they’d built an altar, they prepared to go to war against them.

They were upset for good reason. The Lord instructed the Israelites in Deuteronomy 12:5-14 that there would be a designated place of worship in the Promised Land. That designated place of worship is the only place they were allowed to sacrifice at the altar. In the rest of Israel’s eyes Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh were blatantly disobeying the law of the Lord.

Instead of automatically going to war with those tribes, they decided to send the priest and ten leaders to speak with them.

When the leaders came they said

“The whole community of the Lord demands to know why you are betraying the God of Israel. How could you turn away from the Lord and build an altar for yourselves in rebellion against him? Was our sin at Peor not enough? To this day we are not fully cleansed of it, even after the plague that struck the entire community of the Lord. And yet today you are turning away from following the Lord. If you rebel against the Lord today, he will be angry with all of us tomorrow.”

“If you need the altar because the land you possess is defiled, then join us in the Lord’s land, where the Tabernacle of the Lord is situated, and share our land with us. But do not rebel against the Lord or against us by building an altar other than the one true altar of the Lord our God. Didn’t divine anger fall on the entire community of Israel when Achan, a member of the clan of Zerah, sinned by stealing the things set apart for the Lord? He was not the only one who died because of his sin.”  -Joshua 22: 16-20 NLT

In this conversation with Reuben, Gad, and the half tribe of Manasseh, the priest and leaders mention two situations. The first is the sin at Peor. On the journey to the Promised Land, the Israelites camped at Shittim in Moab. However, the King of Moab, Balak, was terrified of the Israelites. He tried to pay Balaam, a “man of God”, to curse the Israelites. (Read Balaam and Being Obedient).  Balaam refused King Balak’s request, and instead blessed Israel. Eventually though, Balaam returned to King Balak and told him how to get the Israelites to sin and curse themselves. He informed King Balak that sexual immorality and eating foods sacrificed to other Gods would be their downfall. So the women of Moab began enticing the Israelites. They had sex with them, invited them to worship their Gods (Baal of Peor), and eat the sacrificial food. This made the Lord angry and he caused a plague to fall on Israel that killed about 24,000 people.

The second sin the priest and leaders mention is Achan’s sin. In Joshua 7, the Israelites have already beaten Jericho, and were preparing to wage war on the town of Ai. The town of Ai should’ve have been an easy feat as it was much smaller than Jericho. As Israel went to attack Ai, they were defeated, and chased out of the town. 36 men were killed. Joshua prayed to the Lord and asked Him why they had been defeated. God told Joshua that someone had stolen things set apart for the Lord. The next day it was revealed that Achan had stolen a robe, silver coins, and a bar of gold. His sin costs 36 lives.

They reminded them of the sin that affected the entire community, then gave them a loving option. “If you need the altar because the land you possess is defiled, then join us in the Lord’s land, where the Tabernacle of the Lord is situated, and share our land with us.” They beg them not to commit this sin. The first couple of times I read this, it didn’t really mean that much to me. After I read it one more time though, the Holy Spirit revealed to me He was establishing the idea of accountability in the Israelites.

In the two mentioned situations, there should’ve been accountability. There was no way that the Israelites’ friends, neighbors, etc didn’t notice that the Israelite men were sleeping with the Moabite women and eating food sacrificed to their God. There was no way Achan’s family or fellow soldiers didn’t notice him stealing silver coins, a bar of gold, a robe, and burying them. However, their community didn’t hold them accountable in a godly way.

In this passage of scripture, they learned how to be in community. The Israelites had a history of not holding each other accountable. They didn’t live together in community with one another in a way that pleased God. God desires for us to do life together, to love each other and God enough to correct one another in  love.

Thankfully, the tribes of Reuben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh were actually not disobeying the Lord. They were only using the altar as a symbol. However, God was developing something he wants us to have in our lives as well, accountability. He had taught the Israelites to look out for one another.

My husband and I are going through the same thing. We’ve been attending a church that we love, but doesn’t have small groups. It’s been a real stumbling block to growing in our faith. So we’ve started looking at other churches that have small groups.

I often hear a lot of immature Christians say that they don’t need church or that type of community. The usual responses are “I don’t have to go to church to experience God”, “Going to church doesn’t prove I’m saved”. I completely agree with those statements. However, you aren’t able to fully experience God without community.

As my pastor in Atlanta told me, “God has equipped you, but he has also limited you”. The only way you are able to tap into the rest of those resources is by surrounding yourself with the body of Christ, and doing life with others.

When it comes to the Church, God often refers to us as a body, saying that some are the hands and some are the feet. Humor me for a second and imagine that you are the hand, but you don’t want to be a part of the church.  You’re walking around as a hand. Imagine just being a hand. Not having eyes, not having a body, not having legs, just a hand.

It’s the same way when you aren’t in community and don’t have accountability. Walking with Christ is not an easy journey, and there’s no way we can truly be faithful without other believers in our corner. God never desired for us to do this alone. Read Hebrews 10:24-25,  Romans 10:9-14, and 1 Corinthians 12: 7- 21 NLT.

Being around others who will strengthen you, love you enough to tell you when you’re wrong, and encourage you in your struggles is vital to the Christian walk. Also, remember “God has equipped you, but he’s also limited you” and this stands for every believer. So there’s someone in some church, who needs you. Someone in some church needs your way of thinking, your skills, your talent, your insight, and in that same way, you need them. (1 Corinthians 12:26 NLT)

So we’re praying that we find the right church and community, and that anyone who reads this realizes how important it is and finds the same!

DISCERNING

As much as we hate it, not everything we encounter on this journey with God is black and white. It would be great if everything was spelled out for us.  It’d be great if we always knew which way to go. Unfortunately, this is not the case. However, it is the very reason why we need discernment from the Holy Spirit. Last week, I encountered such a situation.

Last week, a friend and I were running errands for a project. While we were stopped at a light, a woman and her teenage daughter were asking for money. The woman was holding a sign that said something like, “Collecting money to keep a roof over my kids’ head.” I and my friend, who is also a believer, felt as if there was something disingenuous about this mother.

The next day my mom and I were watching the news. The lead story was about a mother and daughter duo who were stealing money from people with sympathy. Much like what we believed the mother and teenager at the stop light were doing. The duo on the news however, were much more dangerous.

A couple of days later I was leaving my mom’s neighborhood to run an errand and pick up some food for my grandmother and me. On my way out of the neighborhood I saw a woman walking with a small brown box. I immediately thought “I should give her a ride.” My reason for thinking this is because on this side of town it’s nearly impossible or rather really strenuous to get from one place to another without a car. Everything is really spread out. However, not even a millisecond after that thought came into my mind others flooded in.

“Well, I don’t know. People are crazy. I just saw that story on the news.”  “She probably has a car and wants to walk. No one can live in this neighborhood and not have a car.” “She’s exercising.” That last thought was a serious stretch, considering she didn’t have on any workout clothes. I was making excuses. The logical side of my brain knew without a doubt that she was walking out of necessity, not leisure.  My spirit had peace when the first thought came to my head that I should give her a ride. My flesh questioned it though. I became nervous about my well-being and stepping out of my comfort zone. I didn’t feel as if she was a threat. I felt like maybe she needed to go to the post office.  The post office is a 5 or 10 min drive, but it’s an hour to an hour and a half walk. I decided not to ask her and told myself to forget about it.

After I ran my errand I went to Waffle House to get myself and my grandmother some food. As I pulled up I saw her. She had passed Waffle House by about half a mile. But, she still hadn’t reached her destination. That’s when I felt guilty. I thought about how much easier it would have been on her had I given her a ride. I thought about how great it may have felt to her for someone to take the time out of their day to give her a ride. I thought about how much that would’ve showed the love of Christ to her. I thought about how I could’ve extended the invitation to give her a ride whenever I can while I’m at my mom’s house. I thought about the conversations we could’ve had about life and God. At this point however it was too late to give her a ride. I had been gone about 30-45 min and my grandmother was at home alone. My grandmother had just been released from the hospital for seizures and really wasn’t supposed to be alone.  I had agreed only because she really wanted some Waffle House and wanted me to get her some things from the store. At this point I had been gone 30-45 min and I still needed to go inside, pick up, and pay for the food. I really needed to get home. I felt terrible because it was a missed opportunity.

We have to be careful to notice the peace God gives us in situations and we have to be able to hear his voice. It wasn’t until later that I realized I initially had peace in my spirit when I wanted to give her a ride. It wasn’t until after my flesh talked me out of it, that I no longer had peace in my spirit. Discerning what the Holy Spirit wants can be tricky, especially if you don’t always understand how the spirit communicates with you. So I’ll be doing my best to try to recognize when I’m having inner turmoil, and being more aware of the Lord’s nudges.

Fear on the Journey of Faith

One topic I write about quite often is fear. My reason for writing about fear is that it has plagued my life for a long time. To be honest, fear is something that I believe plagues every believer. Whether we’re fearful we’ll always be single, fearful of where God is calling us, or fearful of even following him, we deal with fear on this journey of faith. It is also something that I’m currently experiencing.

In my previous blog posts “Balaam and Being Obedient” and “Rebuilding is Rewarding”, I wrote about how I’m finally being obedient to what I believe is God’s will for my life. I’m officially starting my photography and videography business. In my pursuit to do so I’ve met with a mentor, have been working on a business plan, as well as setting prices. As I start this new season however, I feel more and more fear. It’s strange. It seems the more obedient I am, the less faith I have. All the “What If’s” and possible problems are running through my mind at the speed of light.  The biggest problem is, it feels like I’m not strong enough to stop them. I even felt as if God wasn’t going to fulfill the things he promised me, because of my fears. I felt like he was going to punish me for not being fearless in this new season.  It was in this moment of weakness and a misunderstanding of God’s grace, that he reminded me of Abraham.

In Genesis 12:1 (NLT) God tells Abraham, who is called Abram at the time, to “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you.” Later in this same chapter in verse 4 it says “So Abram departed as the Lord had instructed, and Lot went with him.” This is such an important verse because it shows how Abraham was obedient in leaving, but also disobedient in allowing Lot to join him on this journey. It’s my belief that Abraham was fearful of going alone. In the first verse God clearly tells Abraham to leave “your relatives and your father’s family”. Lot was Abraham’s relative. He was his nephew on his father’s side. I think it’s even important we call attention to how the two clauses are separated in scripture. “Abram departed as the Lord had instructed” comma. It’s saying Abram was obedient in leaving. The next clause “and Lot went with him” shows that Lot’s presence wasn’t an act of obedience. Abraham was starting a new journey in his life. He was going somewhere he hadn’t been before. He was trusting God for the first time. He was most definitely obedient in leaving his home, but I believe in his fear, he allowed Lot to join him.

Another memorable moment in Abraham’s walk with the Lord is when he traveled to Egypt.  Due to a severe famine in Canaan, Abraham had to travel to Egypt. Before entering Egypt he asked his wife Sarah, called Sarai at the time, to pretend she was his sister.  Abraham feared that Sarah’s beauty would cause him danger. He feared the Egyptians would want to take her as a wife and kill him to marry her. Abraham told Sarah that if she said he was her brother, they would treat him well because of their interest in her.  The Lord had already told Abraham He would make him “into a great nation”. When Abraham traveled through Shechem and camped beside the oak of Moreh, the Lord told Abraham that he would give that land to his descendants. God had made it very apparent that Sarah and Abraham would be fruitful. God’s promise couldn’t have been fulfilled if Abraham died in Egypt.  Abraham in his fear however didn’t see this, only the potential problems and danger.  His fear caused him to lean unto his own understanding. Because of Abraham’s lie and Sarah’s submission to it, God sent plagues to Pharaoh’s household.  When Pharaoh became aware that Sarah was Abraham’s wife, he returned her.  When Abraham traveled to Gerar, he did the same thing! In his fear he lied again, telling Abimelech that Sarah was his sister.

The Lord reminded me that we’re not perfect. He reminded me that he’s transforming us into his image.  He wants to put us in a position where we’re only leaning on him. God desires for us to follow him in a way that builds our faith, trust, and reliance on him. It is only then we’re able to see how good a father He is. Abraham had his faults and fears, but eventually his faith in God was so strong that he was willing to sacrifice his son, just because the Lord asked him to. In doing this, God called Abraham his friend.  And, in this we are able to see the beauty and intimacy we can achieve when we continue to pursue the Lord and his will.

I’m not saying I’m not scared at all anymore. Also, in no way am I justifying fear and a lack of trust in the Lord. I just wanted to be honest about what we go through in this walk. Again, I can’t say that I’m completely fearless but my faith has increased a little. Being reminded of Abraham’s journey definitely has me feeling more hopeful. I’m excited about this new season and can’t wait to grow in faith like Abraham.

The Fear of Failure in the Christian Faith

I can vividly remember every time I heard Jesus calling me. Well, I remember Him knocking at the door of my heart. Every time that I was wayward, I felt Him was urging me to come back to Him. I felt it. The truth is however, I  didn’t want to. A small portion of that had to do with me wanting to relish in my sinful behavior. However, the larger part was because I was scared. I was scared to make a commitment to God that I may not be able to keep.

The first time I stood up in church to be baptized, I was about 16. I felt God calling me and in that moment I decided to respond. When it came down to actually being baptized however, I couldn’t do it. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t ready to make that commitment.

Baptism is a significant step in the Christian faith. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to live up to God’s or people’s expectations. It wasn’t because living in sin was so fun, that I wasn’t willing to stop. To be honest, I usually felt convicted, which took away most of the fun. I was more concerned with whether I had enough discipline to be a Christian. Would I be a hypocrite? I didn’t see the point  of being saved, if it meant I wasn’t going to be perfect. This distorted understanding of Christianity led me to do something a lot of inexperienced believers do. I tried to clean myself up for Christ.

Over the time frame of about 16 to 22, I tried not smoking, not drinking, and not having sex. Needless to say, I failed at all three, and committed other sins along the way. I had done two things. I was operating out of a distorted theology and also operating out of religion, instead of a relationship. I told myself, if I could keep God’s commandments, if I could do good, then I should be baptized. I had completely misunderstood the Gospel. It had become about my will power instead of God’s power.

I made pursuing the Lord a checklist or rather a scoreboard, as one of my college pastors’ said. I was operating out of the law instead of grace. It was as if I said “I didn’t do this, this, or that, so I’m good.” Yet, I hadn’t prayed, spent time with the Lord, or gone to Church.

While I was still in college a friend of mine convinced me to go to church with her. The sermon I heard changed my life. In this sermon, the pastor talked about how we treat Christianity like a scoreboard. He also talked about the difference between religion and a relationship. He gave examples of the type of people that religion produced. The example that most resonated with me was the Chip Stacker.

He said that a Chip Stacker was someone who believed Christianity was about “1. Not doing bad things. 2. Appearances 3. To make me feel guilty 4. The point of church is to make me feel better 5. If I do more good things than bad things God will be pleased.” This was me. Numbers 1 and 5 especially. He explained that there instead had to be a heart change that takes place. This heart change is when we surrender to God, fall in love with, and pursue Him.
He said we need to:

“Quit putting so much pressure on ourselves to think we’ve got to be perfect and just start worshipping Him.Christians, people don’t want you to know that.They don’t want you to know you’re forgiven. Because we’re scared to death that if we tell you you’re forgiven, that if you just pursue Jesus, that you’ll just go out and do whatever you want to do. And I’m here to tell you today, that’s not going to happen. Because if he’s in you, he will guide and he will lead you. No one grows closer to Jesus and becomes less holy.”

I finally got it. I had spent so much time living in fear about not being able to live up to God’s expectations, and other Christians expectations. I didn’t realize that my sinful nature was the reason I needed God. I needed Him to cleanse me. I needed Him in order to be able to keep his commandments. I realized that I couldn’t work to gain his love. I needed to surrender and allow him to change my heart.

When you love someone you don’t want to lie to them. You don’t want to cheat on them. You don’t want to hurt him. That’s the relationship that God wants with us. We love Him because he first loved us. When our hearts are changed, we don’t want to do the things that hurt Him. Which is entirely different from trying to keep his law in order to gain his love. It’s God spirit in us that enables us to be godly, not our will power. It’s the Holy Spirit that leads us in wisdom.

If you were wondering, I finally ended up getting baptized. I stopped living so scared and fearful of failing as a Christian. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely still fall short of God’s glory, but that’s not going to stop me from seeking Him. Also, me falling short of his Glory also doesn’t stop Him from loving me. I don’t know if this is your reason for not pursuing a deeper, more intimate relationship with Christ, but if it is, don’t let fear hold you back from the greatest relationship you’ll ever experience.

SINsuality and my Testimony

My testimony has many different layers, but the thickest one is my struggle with lust and sex. Ever since I was a child, I’ve struggled with lustfulness.  In high school, I finally gave into it. Whenever I engaged in it I felt conviction, but couldn’t seem to stop myself. Every time I told myself I would stop, it got worse. Before I went to college I tried to stop and renew my relationship with the Lord.  By the second semester of freshman year however, I was doing it again on a regular basis. In college I felt the Lord beckoning me to return to him and walk with him, but I didn’t feel like I could do it. I was very much focused on my inability to be perfect, and my unwillingness to stop doing what I knew was wrong.

During my junior year of college, it had become very evident that the Lord wanted to be in a relationship with me. So much so that one day I told my boyfriend “I feel like the Lord is calling me, but I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’ll be happy without sex.” Isn’t that how we all feel in one area of our lives? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to turn off these attractions. I don’t think God will ever be able to heal me of this. I don’t think I’ll be able to overcome that. This is just the way I am.

The sad part was that I actually meant it. I couldn’t comprehend being happy without it, much less being able to stop.  What I didn’t realize however, was how warped my thinking had become. I didn’t realize how unhealthy that hold was on me, or that it even had a hold on me. All I knew was that I always desired it, and felt powerless to stop myself. I didn’t realize that I was essentially saying, “God is not sufficient. He is not enough. I need these things to be happy.” I didn’t realize that I had put my delight and validation in something else other than God. I didn’t realize that I had put limitations on God and what he could and could not heal me from. This addiction ran deeper than I could see.

About a year ago, I wrote, performed, and filmed a spoken word video about my testimony called “SINsuality”. About 3 weeks ago, I put the finishing touches on it and released it on YouTube. I put the link in this blog post for you to be able to watch it. I’m praying that it causes you to think about that one thing you think Christ can’t heal. The one thing you think you can’t live without. I pray that you begin to see yourself how God sees you. Likewise, I pray that you let go of the reasons why you can’t follow God, and realize that he’s bigger than anything you’re facing or ever will face.